Red Wolf of the East

Just had the craziest idea.

What if music conductors were viewed in their most simplistic, and primordial context?

It would almost appear to be prehistoric man, dolled up in attire way before his time, simply rubbing hair and wood together ferociously, in the most unique and explosively talented fashion merely to impress a few gathered humans.

Now look at what we have? Music sets mood. It creates feelings. It communicates.

It can bring us to our knees.

What beautiful fools we've become.

I have probably already spoken about this but I can't help but an enormous amount of regret for not treating Ryanne better when we were together.

I was reading her poetry diary earlier after work and I stumbled upon a few entries that really tore me up.

The first one was about an event that happened earlier this year after drinking over at Brian's house. After encouraging Ryanne to drink the boys I realized I really needed to head home so I could get up early for school. I kinda rushed her out of his house, and on the way home Ryanne was talking about how drunk she was and that she needed a bath when we got home. Being tired, and overall grumpy I lashed out at her. Telling her she was being selfish and that it was her fault for staying out so late....wheeeeen we were visiting my friends in the first place :(

I could've taken this as a really romantic moment, but it continued to snow ball. We argued, I left her outside, I got in the car and drove off, I tried to sleep in the other room...

From what I gather alcohol can bring out the worst in people. It's not alcohol's fault, but the fact that people have issues and when you drink everything good and bad comes out.

How I yelled at her on my birthday after Brian chipped her tooth, and even when she teased me on Halloween from being scared...

I didn't see how this gentle, sensitive person just needed someone who was strong for them, someone they could have fun with but depend on, someone who looked past her faults and was patient with them.

How can you grow old with a man who doesn't love your good and bad qualities? So I understand now.

Every day I am trying to understand her more and more.

I realize that we may never get back together because of how I acted. Sometimes you only have that one chance in history to get things right with love, and eventually people get fed up. We both had qualms with each other, but when you're busy it's tough.

My advice is that with love, you have to sacrifice so much for the other even if they aren't willing to do so. Take care of yourself too. If things get crazy, get away for awhile so you can collect yourself and be the person your lover needs.

Don't give up on them! Love them even when it's tough! That's true love.

That's the love I will give now.

I hope and pray that one day we can grow together again, but I have to understand that it's new now. There is no going back. Things will be different, but they may even be better.

I embrace today and tomorrow. I will no longer take for granted moments to drink, play, and stay out late. You never know if tomorrow is coming anyways. Plan a little ahead, but plans rarely work out the way you need them to.

I must be flexible, yet strong. I must be like bamboo. I must grow every damn day, and be resilient to what the world throws at me.

I will be her rock, with the foundation of God like she has always needed. With the universe on my side things can only get better.

...even if it doesn't work out the way I want it to.

It's really sad that the more you compliment someone, the less effect it has.

It's almost as if we become desensitized to humanity, and prefer someone to express their appreciation every so often.

It may be that we just find it corny after awhile, but how can you tell when someone is sincere? Sometimes it can come across as trying to gain affections, win praise, or just suck up.

What about when you simply want to express a love that is bursting from your chest and burns you alive?

I'll tell you what you gotta do. You have to temper yourself like a blacksmith hammers iron. Forge your heart so that you don't smother them WITH YOU. I think it may be the fact when you come across too strongly the focus is actually on yourself rather than the other person. It's still sad it has to be this way, but this is just the world we live in. Culture is undeniable.

Time to take a step back and let things become a little more natural.

The difference between involvement and commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.

This loss was necessary.

 

The stress, short sightedness, rehashing, and “expert testimony” were a recipe for disaster. It was killing us both.

 

There was no way the relationship could have continued happily. Sure, there were happy moments but when people treat others poorly it is only a moment of time before they vote with their feet. It doesn’t matter how many things you do for them, and how hard you try to still make them happy; if they feel trapped and overwhelmed the happiness will not stick.

 

Now the band-aid has been ripped off. The wound must drain, and the scab must set.

 

Since any veils and excuses that have been put in place have now been removed I am forced to see the truth. I could not have learned these lessons if I had sat in complacency. Everything that the universe has strived to teach me gracefully has now been pushed in my face. As painful as Mason’s wedding was, I find myself perceptive and raw to receive these messages. I can ponder about “what ifs” all day long, but this is my life, my circumstance, and I have to see it through to whatever life may bring my way. I also must take the helm of my own life. The heart leads and actions follow.

 

One needs to be flexible for this sort of thing. When you fail, you really need to pick yourself off of the ground and learn from your mistakes. It’s when things stick the most, right?

 

You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

First of all, I appreciate ever my friends and family has made on my behalf to help me through this hard time. Their frustration speaks volumes to the love they share for me. But that's just it...

How easy is it to be frustrated when a person hurts your feelings? How easy is it to jump to conclusions and try to tear someone down just because they've done you wrong?

This is something that I must not do myself. I JUST PERSONALLY CAN'T!

I find it awful that when someone hurts another, the damaged individual loses the love they once had. Is our love that American's throw around so haphazardly so weak that we can't take some bruising? Maybe love is like working out: it hurts like hell, but it eventually builds you up to something that was better than before. There is a proper way to do it, and it takes finesse and practice.

I think I definitely was straining myself and Ryanne by putting too much weight on our shoulders.

I admit there are times when I wanted to give up, or have even threatened to do so. I must admit this was incredibly wrong of me. I didn't have the patience to see the problem through, or think about it with a cool head. All I could do was focus on how offended I was, or how wrong it was for her to do ect, ect, ect.

People are not perfect. Not in any regards.

Love is not either. F'ing period. People must come to terms with this.

I've always known this in the back of my mind, and now that everything has hit the fan I have come to terms with it's truth.

If you absolutely, whole heartedly, passionately love someone from the bottom of your heart you cannot turn it off when things get bad.

I don't think I should have to either. So please stop telling me to do so. It isn't helping, and is only pissing me off. If anyone knew the shit Ryanne has been through, especially living with me, they would understand that she's a confusing individual. But I also find that beautiful, captivating, interesting, and riveting. Unfortunately putting the best foot forward isn't easy, but that's life. Loving Ryanne has always taught me that a life worth living will never be easy. What lessons would I ever learn from that? I do know that LOVING Ryanne IS easy. It has always happened easily, and sometimes unavoidably as well. When we first met and we just wanted to be friends I felt that no matter how hard I tried to just be her friend, I kept falling further, and further in love with her. I feel that way right now too, even as I worry that things will never be the same.

Yes it is difficult when they cannot love you back. It's been a problem for many beautiful people. What to do with one-sided love?

As a Christian I believe that God put Ryanne in my life for a purpose. If we should be together it will only be if God so wishes it to be, and if she feels the same way. I have to trust in both of them, and have immense hope while I work on myself.

Please, while building me up, don't tear her down. She is still everything to me.

It's time for me to be a big boy, and take care of business.

She ain't comin' round if I keep moping around, wondering what I did wrong.

Gotta take life into my own hands, and pull all this wonderful advice everyone has given me.

The universe conspires to help us.

My only dream right now is for her to succeed in her passion...

And that I could play some small role in it, perhaps by her side.

Tonight I sat by my parent's fire place.

The same fireplace where we use sit, chat, and laugh while my parents were gone on winter vacation.

The same house where I took my first puff.

The same house where I slept next you the first time. That rainy evening full of omens, laughter, and irony.

Tonight, while I ate, I saw the olives you'd use to eat for me.

I know it sounds silly but I wonder if you'll ever take care of me in those silly ways again, or will those olives just get thrown away?

I have no idea what to do or say and I can't believe how much I have to watch my mouth. Or tell myself that what I'm doing is not okay.

I haven't censored myself this much since Seana died.

My friend Tatiana told me breakups are like a death in your life...

Except if you're on your best behavior they might just come back.

So I may start a little t-shirt line with Ricky and his bro.

I wanna call it, "Holy Ghost" and take religious icons but draw them as skeletons.

The skeleton is obviously something that supports people but people also use religion to support , and guide their lives.

I believe these important historical figures will still have that mystical element to them, even if they are stripped down to their bare minimum.

I will ask artists to draw them in their famous poses, and go from their.

Very simple, stuff.

All in all I really like different religions and skeletons, lol.

Plus I wanna do some cool wolf skeleton stuff, toooooooo